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"cause it looks so good"

Breakfast: "let's take a picture of it mommy cause it looks so good and yummy!"

Cooked apples, pears and raisins with toasted almond slivers, pecans and walnuts topped with maple-vanilla yogurt and sprinkled (by Sayan) with cinnamon.

He helped chop the fruit and toast the almonds. Now eating it: "Mmmmmm, mmmmm mommy this is so yummy, mmmmm. You taste (forces spoon into my mouth) isn't it so good mommy?" Yes it is good. Though I must accept responsibility for the forced sharing/tasting of foods he likes. I do this to my poor dining companions and Sayan instinctively perpetrated the trait as soon as he could wield a spoon.

Cowboy Small

Sayan rode a horse yesterday.

And I was not there!!!! I guess there will be many firsts for him that I won't be able to share in the moment but I am so proud of him working through his fears of new situations and large large animals and not only getting comfortable enough to pet the horses but then to get astride and ride!

Sayan's new nanny Lauren has a good friend with a few horses. They went to her barn yesterday and I was just excited he would get that exposure to horses and the other animals there. Knowing his cautious nature I assumed it would take several visits before he felt comfortable enough to interact much with the horses. Imagine my surprise when they came home and he got to tell me what he had done! He also led the horse around the corral. Big big boy. It's wonderful, Lauren has led horse camps for children so is well versed in safety protocols for the little ones. And she obviously knows how to inspire confidence and trust!

snack

Buttered, avocado spread toast wrapped in a warm buttered tortilla (his invention). He calls it his toast pouch.

fun mommy (or How I Buy My Child's Love)

Opted for waffle cone for dinner instead of bulgar and kale (in shopping cart). Guess it's good to relax the routine now and then. Realized I needed to up the ante when I came home today to Sayan and Lauren playing trains and as I opened the door Sayan ran to the door to slam it in my face: No!! Go away Mommy!

How quickly I lost best friend status. I can only assume making him clean his room this morning had something to do with that. Thus the ice cream :)

Puzzle

Working on his United States puzzle from Gramma:

*swoon*

This evening Sayan brought me a pretend present and "read" the "card" to me:

To Mommy, my best friend Angela.

Then proceeded to flash me a huge smile and throw his arms around my neck. Ladies beware.

Knitting a hat

This is the second evening he has gotten his "knitting needles" and "spool" to knit me a hat while in the bath. He started it yesterday and today made a point of searching all over to find the necessary items to complete it :)

Nap time: a Valediction

I believe Sayan has decided his naps no longer serve him. Until yesterday he did not nap for 5 days in a row. This coming from a child who has regularly napped for 2 hours every afternoon only ever going 1-2 days in a row without a nap since he was born.

This also coming from a child who, when he decides he is done, is done. This was quite a boon with weaning and potty training. Well the weaning was pretty traumatic for me. He woke up one morning at 18 months and that was it. Of course I went with it knowing how fortunate we were to forgo the potentially months long battle of denial and tears. Potty training was just glorious. Diapers then two days of accidents and then toilet. Done.

So I have the sneaking suspicion that regarding naps Sayan is also Done. I am not so enthusiastic about this as I was with the weaning and toilet training. Both of those transitions led to a more independent state for mother and child. Whereas no naps = greater dependence or at least more time spent together which = less time of independence for me.

Bottom line this is a selfish issue for me. Over the years if he would even miss one day of napping I would get all tense "he needs his rest, his little physiology needs that time of integration!!"

Read: "Mommy needs her rest, Mommy needs her time of integration!!" I was terrified of giving up those precious two hours every afternoon. My meditation time. My rest time. My work time. My laundry, housecleaning, organizing without fear of it all getting dumped back on the floor two seconds later time. My time.

Now I am redefining Me time as well as motherhood which allows a good opportunity for me to truly check in to how I feel about the seeming demise of what I have held as a sacred institution: nap time.

And when I do let go of that attachment to my previously held notion of nap time = "me time", what I realize is this: I am excited to have that many more hours in the day to spend with Sayan.

And the real issue is not (or should not be!) about whether I am ready to let go of his nap. The real question is if he is. Is his body ready to go 12 hours without sleep. That's what I've been monitoring the last few weeks.

For though this was the first long string of no-naps I have noticed he is sleeping for shorter times and definitely not every day. And though he gets sleepy midday he soon moves through it and is not the complete basket case he used to be without a nap. In short I feel his physiology is adapting to a new rhythm and I want to honor that.

The main deciding factor is (well aside from the fact I can't force him to sleep!!) that we have been setting up nap conditions, he lies in his darkened room for rest time for an hour and a half. Before this week he would usually succumb to sleep whether through exhaustion or boredom I don't know. But now he gives it a real shot, lies there listening to his music or just in silence and then pops up at the end with more energy.

So it appears he has switched and I now have the chance to switch my psychology as well. Rather than feeling he isn't getting what he needs in the day without his nap I will trust that as long as I continue to provide the opportunity for rest, that rest can serve him just as well if not more so than sleep. I assume some days his little body will be so pooped he will nap. But more often than not we may just lie there, enjoying the sweetness of each other's company in silence, but conscious awake silence rather than the drooling slumberous tangle we used to form.

And this conscious shared silence with my growing child is infinitely more nurturing than anything else I could have done with that hour before. This is how I want to spend My Time. Laundry can wait.

"sick"

Just turned 3 1/2 and already he knows exactly how to manipulate me-- and more to the point I completely allow it.

After nap today (post on naps to follow) he was very cranky but that's nothing unusual. Between 3 and 4/5 is usually the witching hour, nap or no. Anyway today he was more fussy than usual and I thought he felt a little warm so I suggested we read in bed for "just a bit" then go about the rest of our afternoon.

This is how we ended up 20 minutes later:

Gaging by the pile of books I have somehow committed to I guess errands will be postponed til another day.

And he is happily chowing down:

"Mommy this is a yummy snack!! Come, come I wanna cuuuuuddle with you! I'm gonna save these snacks so I can eat them with You..."

I'm off to eat pear slices in bed with my not-so-sick little moo.

Growth

With all the changes and growth our family has been experiencing the last months I have sadly neglected Sayan's blog. And if we are being honest, the blog has been neglected for much more than a few months! Thanks to Louise for creating a beautiful "home slice" and inspiring me to revisit my own.

I originally created this blog for two reasons:

1. As a window into our world: A place families and friends can visit to share with us those silly, sweet and hair-pulling moments that define parenthood. This I have tried to keep up with through the occasional phone call, email and video snippet but I know from reading Louise's blog that nothing conveys the largeness, the immediacy of Now, like a well-tended blog. And in this I will try to be more conscious.

2. As an Archive of Sayan: A place I can go years from now to remember all those little (and big) changes and the rush of pride, joy, wonder, fear and absolute surrender that defined my experience. Doubtless such memories will in that moment be replaced by all the "wows" of the now, as they are today. I can only imagine the continuing awe of growing with Sayan to 5, 8, 12, 17 and on and on... Though perhaps best to set a cap on how long I faithfully document my son lest it border on the creepy. Not sure he will want me checking in to report on his blog what he ate for lunch at age 38. Perhaps I should say faithfully "externally" document my son, as my heart will be there with him even when it ceases to beat, as so many of you understand.

But I digress. Or do I? Perhaps that's the point. So though our lifestyle is MUCH more dynamic then it was when this blog was created I will do my best to not let this deter me from sharing our life in a much more whole way than in the last couple of years. There is only so much reading between the lines you can get from a loooooooooong string of 51 second videos. Especially when said videos haven't even properly uploaded for the last few months.

On the topic of videos, I do know myself and I do know that that is the easiest way for me to share at least something of our daily life on a regular basis. And as much as I wish it, I do not have the gift that Phil, and really all my husband's family seems to have with a camera. So I video. Well, that and the fact that I needed a huge armory of videos, since Sayan watching himself on my phone was the most effective form of entertainment/distraction for him until recently. Now that distraction is provided by talking to my phone. Yes, Siri understands him better than she understands me.

So videos. For this I have realized I need a more effective way of uploading/sharing. I am looking into simply setting up a youtube channel for him and linking to the blog. I will keep you posted when that is up and running. I say "simply" setting up the channel. Ha.

Today I created a channel in his name and when it asked for the sex and birthdate I wanted to be consistent with "Sayan Lynch" so I put "Male" and filled in his birthdate. BAD bad move. I was immediately booted out not only from youtube but also my gmail account and all it is linked to including this blog! Guess they don't want a three year old with that kind of power. It took me a panicked and irritating 30 minutes to sort it out, as at first it wouldn't let me reinstate by entering my credit card (yes it cost me $0.30 to prove I was over the age of 18) since to pay with google checkout you need to first be logged in under a valid and operating gmail account. Vicious cycle! It somehow finally let me in without having to send in my birth certificate but anyway, lesson learned, they were not wanting info about my child on his channel!!! And at 3 1/2 I can no longer blame "mommy-brain" for not realizing this.

Assuming I manage to get the video sharing sorted out, I still will try much much harder to write about Sayan. I honestly toyed with the idea of just switching to a Vlog since that's really all I've done for the last ... 3 years? But that is not what I want. I want to challenge myself to take the time to write about Sayan and my experience of motherhood, even when motherhood doesn't seem to allow a clear or easy opportunity to do so.

Feeding the chickens

2nd post

8lllllllllllllsayan

(typed by sayan for his friend Bella cause she is 8 and she has "L's" in her name-- color also chosen by him)

sayan's first post

sayan3

Onion Creek 3

Onion Creek 2

Fun at Onion Creek

We had a wonderful time splashing in Onion Creek last Tuesday with Nadia, her husband Gabriel and their 3 month old puppy. 74 degrees in January is pretty hard to beat -- and thank goodness it was as Sayan slipped in soon after we got there! Though if anything it made the day more exciting for him and since then it's been: "Let's talk more about why I slipped mommy, let's talk about the algae!" Thanks to Nadia for the great pics and a fun day.

Morning Muffins

Sayan this morning

This morning we woke up and were cuddling in bed and I asked Sayan what he wanted to do with his life. He pointed up.

I asked 'You want to go up?'

him 'Yes'

me 'That's good'

him 'Yeah, it's VERY good. I want to go up and fly in the sky like a bird. It's good.'